Misunder[stand]ing Canada: A Parody Design Series by a Canadian Sit-izen
We stand on guard for parodies
Every English-as-a-first-language nation has their style.
Brits are known for their dry, deadpan humour.
Americans are known for being a little less ‘subtle’.
Canadians are known as being dorky goofballs.
We may be America’s hat, but it’s a propeller hat.
I am definitely a dorky goofball, though I think I channel a lot of different styles at different times.
As a lifelong resident of ‘the great white north’ and a lifelong artist, I’ve made some observations and created some dorky goofball takes on this big, cold, ‘boring’ land.
Let’s get started!
America has CNBC, but Canada is slightly more efficient - we dropped the N!
Where else to start but with Canada’s (national) broadcasting corporation.
Just a bunch of Canadians being Canadian.
Please don’t defund this cultural institution!
We practically have American TV on an IV line as it is…
Speaking of Canadians being Canadian, Canada is known for our Clearly Ridiculous Actors.
I’m sure the CRA loves them, they probably bring in a lot of tax revenue.
In American dollars no less!
Canada plays the import and export game just like other countries, but you might say our trade balance is a bit off.
We export our most talented performers, and import America’s racism!
America has freedom fries and Canada has a small fry.
Oops, I mean Pierre Polievre.
I’m not superstitious, but maybe our tax rate is bad luck.
Something seems to be!
Comedians and actors have something else in common:
They both spend a lot of time ‘standing on the job’.
After a while, their legs will get tired.
But some professions get to sit all day.
Not everyone can be as lucky as the RCMP, who sometimes get to just sit on a horse all day.
The horse is doing all the work, and the mountie is taking all the credit.
How rude.
Nevertheless, the mounties sometimes mount their mares and trot towards the fresh mountain air.
They might stop off in Calgary on a dare.
It is a common misconception that Hockey is Canada’s national sport.
(It’s actually lacrosse!)
But hockey IS Canada’s most popular sport.
For a team that has won a lot more recently than Toronto, I hope they honk nicely in Calgary.
Every place has their thing:
• Vancouver is rainy
• Calgary is the home of the Stampede (and at least one person named Gary)
• Saskatchewan has the Roughriders and a whole lotta flat land
• Winnipeg has the bear necessities... oops wrong bear!
• Montreal might leave Canada but take the Canadiens with them
• Halifax has hurricanes
• PEI has a really big bridge
And Toronto has sad sports teams, tragic transit, and is paradoxically full of expensive cars yet clearly does not need to ‘overcompensate’ for anything...
(i’m looking at you, wannabe space needle!)
If anything, Toronto could stand to be a little more modest.
You might say Toronto needs to ‘pick a lane’.
We just want you to like us.
Why doesn’t anyone like us?
Was it something we said?
Some people think Canadians ‘talk funny’.
That our ‘vernac is whack’.
As Anglophones we may be awry, but don’t slang-shame us, eh!
We’ve already got our hands full with Newfoundland.
And you thought Donald Trump was nonsensical!
There are good things and bad things about life in Canada.
We are a proud nation, but not so much a rich one.
Two significant things sunk in Canada: The Titanic, and our currency.
Up here, ‘The Loonie Bin’ isn’t just a dollar store, it’s our whole economy.
It pains me to say but we’re taking it up the arctic against the EUR, USD, and especially the GBP.
JFC!
American politics is like a never-ending slap fight between two bears.
Canadian politics is like where one conservative and one counterfeit conservative threw their little sister’s rainbow frisbee over the fence and they don’t even care that they’re destroying the green grass beneath their feet as they sling mud at each other.
It’s a mess, so we just sigh and eat our poutine and donuts.
We don’t like it, but it could be worse - we could be trading beavers for bald eagles.
Who doesn’t love beavers? They’re so dam cute! and lovable! and furry!
Beavers may be cute, but some other things sure aren’t.
Like taxes. And losing.
Which is why being a hockey fan in Toronto is kind of a bummer.
But hey - at least we’re never double-booked in the summer!
Yes, Canada does actually have golf courses. Disc golf.
Because if you hand a Canadian a golf club, they’ll probably say ‘something’s wrong with yer hockey stuck, eh?’
Sometimes you just have to accept your fate.
Self acceptance is important.
Glacial government.
Perpetual parkas.
Winter weight.
You can’t win them all.
But no matter how many times we lose, we’re always on top.
That’s geography, baby!
Canada is friendly, frigid, and frugal.
We know just because you’re big, doesn’t mean you should throw your weight around.
Our next door neighbour has the best beer cooler around, be we know it’s not polite to go over to Mr. G’s and claim squatters rights. No matter how much ocean-front property he has.
Mind your stars and stripes. Don’t make us turn this ocean around!
If you enjoyed this parody series, you may also enjoy my previous parody art project “Horror Social Media”.
No pithy commentary, just art and ominous implications.
And stay tuned for future parodies from the wacky mind of Lacey.
Meet Your Maker:
Lacey Artemis (she/they) is an artist, writer, comedian, musician, and regrettably - a big ol’ cold wimp stuck living in Arcticland.
Lacey founded Neuromix Consulting, a sensory accessibility and neuro-inclusion focused business where she has come to be known as “The Sensory Nerd”.
You can find her writing about sensory issues from a systems lens on her other blog: Beyond Quiet Rooms.
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