I Wasn’t Miserable, But I Also Wasn’t ‘Home’.
On May 1st, 2017 I left my family doctor’s office and headed home to celebrate. I had just received my first dose of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) in the form of liquid estrogen. The first of many to come.
I started calling May 1st my ‘rebirth day’.
While these days, HRT is primarily thought of in relation to trans people, cisgender people use it as well. Many physical and health issues are caused by hormone imbalances. Cis male athletes use HRT. Menopausal women use HRT. And yes, trans and intersex people use HRT.
Some of us know from the earliest days we have any self awareness, but not all of us. I recall having a moment when I was in school where I realized that 'macho' masculinity did not appeal to me. Supposedly this was the 'pinnacle' of what I was supposed to aspire to, but I didn't.
Of course back then, the term 'toxic masculinity' had not become culturally coined yet.
There is another common narrative - that all trans people are all horribly miserable before transitioning. Some of us definitely are, but not every trans person's story is identical.
That's what I want to talk about today.
Over the weekend I hung out with a non-binary friend who is trans-masculine. I tend to fall more on the 'high feminine' end of the gender presentation spectrum. I ended up showing them a photo of me in my 20s, when I looked like the lead singer in a heavy metal band. I had long hair and a beard (see below).
But in that same picture folder, there are other pictures of me pre-transition. And yes, I was smiling genuinely in several of them. In select moments back then like the ones I find myself in much more often now. Where I was in my happy place, even if I wasn't as happy as I could have been.
Now that I've come so far, and found a home in leaning into creativity and playfulness, I can see those seeds in past me. I was ALWAYS playful and creative, I was just wearing the wrong uniform before.
You see, I wasn't miserable living as a man. I just wasn't 'home'. I was always ME, I just wasn't 'He'. Once I got the right sign up in the window, business really picked up because the vibe inside was much better. I was home.
It is more rare for trans people to live into middle age or to be on HRT for a decade or more due to transphobic violence. I'm only at 8 years, but in the trans world that's practically geriatric. I only know a handful of other trans people who've been on HRT for longer than me. So I'm grateful, as I am one of the lucky ones.
I don't talk about it as much, because honestly it feels like a smaller part of the big picture; I'm a playfully passionate event host, speaker, and media producer who happens to be trans.
But since I had the courage and conviction to seek and honour my truth, I know I can help others do the same. Because there are always parallels, even if our experiences are not identical. We all understand if something feels right to us.
Now I can say 'she shines', and you can too. Let’s find your Shine Language together, because you deserve a happy ‘home’ in life where you shine.
Lacey Artemis (she/they) is a neurodivergent speaker, consultant, and media producer. She is the founder of Neuromix Consulting which provides sensory accessibility and neuro-inclusion consulting, as well as anti-burnout play workshops. You can find out more at www.neuromixconstulting.com.
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